Ana Mia.

I thought I saw what was true; hanging, saggy, gelatinous sacks of flesh. Fat; yellow inside and clinging to every part of me, lining my body like insulation on some huge blubbering sea monster. Muscle, just as undesirable; red and moving in rhythm with me. I do not want rhythm or insulation. I want skin against bone against organs against bone. I want to see the shape of my ribs as though I was studying a corpse. I want hip bones that jet out like jagged rocks against hands that touch me. I want cheeks high and shadowed by their own concavity. I want to be like a feather.

What we have is a love affair. Sweet and fulfilling, angry and tumultuous. She loves me one day and hates me the next. She pushes me to control myself in moments when I feel like I might burst at the seems with desire yet allows me to delight in the the unthinkable as long as I handle it accordingly. She lifts me up when I am down and she pushes me down no matter how far up I may seem. She is ingrained into the very fiber of who I am. What began as two is now one and I am she. I am the best and worst of both of us and every thought, decision and idea is shared.

Our life is spent locked in bathrooms and behind closed doors. I buy mirrors, break them and re-buy them. I have mastered the art of self portraits in order to document our success and failures. I am clever at dinner parties and holiday celebrations, knowing exactly what I must do before the doors open and I am invited inside. I am convincing and conniving, lying to the people I love is protection for both them and me. My freedom is more important than their understanding or concern. I have no time to consider the effects of my actions on others, they will never grasp the depth of who we are.

I have adjusted to the stares of gawking strangers. I know they see what I see; a disgusting, worthless pig. I have learned to keep my head down and feet close to the ground. I don't want to be noticed until I am worth looking at. Sometimes I don't know if that day will ever come, and she has to remind me that we are on the right track. We are in control of this and there is no going back. We have come so far, every goal met, smaller and smaller and smaller but never small enough. Never small enough.

I have tricks for days. I know how to get up what has gone down in a matter of seconds in complete silence. I know how to become full with out substance and what a high it is to make it through days with nothing in your body but willpower. She has made me so strong. She has shown me I can be and do and become anything I want. She has taught me to depend only on us. We are aware of what others are not. We know who we are, and there is nothing anyone could say that would change that. With her I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I am not sick, and your concern is a front for your envy over the strength that has grown from inside me.

My days are numbered and that is okay. I will die for her.